Palmer Gets Laid
by mrasaki
Summary: A very, VERY old story, possibly one of my first. Co-written w/ a very good friend/cohort. This hasn't been edited since it was first written around 2000, but since then it's gotten a little...infamous online. Archived here for posterity. Squick warning.


Palmer Gets Laid

FF7, (Palmer/Heidigger) NC-17

By rtuko

.com/rtuko/

and cys

.org/madscribs/

Summary: Everyone's gotta get some nookie sometime… especially when the authoresses are loopy.

Warning: Just a smidge of squick. Really.

*************

Palmer couldn't concentrate. He knew that he should be pretending to pay attention to whatever the President was saying (everyone else he was allowed to ignore), but the distraction across the table caused his eyes to wander away from the boring drone to the epitome of man-meat manliness over and over again, ignoring the vein ticking in the President's temple.

Heidigger was a tall man, as tall as he was wide. He was very pleasingly proportionate; the ratio of height and width about 1:2. His hair and beard were unruly, in direct violation of most office uniform policies; it flowed from his face and down his chest like a uncontrolled mass of pubic hair. His hands were large and capable, making Palmer drool onto the table at the image of those hands wrapped around his length of teeming, throbbing man-flesh and pulling it hard. He longed to feel that massive belly pressed against his back or his rippling abdomen (whichever came first), quaking with each whimpered breath like a mountain of jello. He longed to squish that delectable ass in his greedy hands; each cheek, the size of a watermelon and just as juicy (and sweet), the thought of which made his man-meat bulge and contort in frustrated titillation. His jizz danced in his blue balls like chocobos doing the mambo.

He grabbed his sizable bulge under the table, joggling Hojo's elbow in his haste. The doctor took one look at his red, sweaty face and blanched, scenting the pheromones of randy horny man-meat. The doctor looked horrified and moved his chair away.

Heidigger felt hot eyes crawling over him and stripping him, layer by layer. He turned and met the intense blue gaze of the man sitting across. As he watched, Palmer gave him a salacious wink and licked his full luscious lips, making them glisten and gleam in the harsh overhead lights. Heidigger's mouth went dry and his eyes crossed with desire. He felt his mini-Heidigger sproinging to attention and smacking the underside of the table with a wet thud.

Tseng was leaning on the table. He heard-felt, rather-a sodden thunk from the underside and looked around, surprised from his task of constructing spitballs. The boy Rufus was ignoring him /again/ (how the hell was he supposed to know Rufus had wanted to be on top last time?) and, he found, the boy could be remarkably dense at times. He glanced at Heidigger, and stared, wondering if the man had had a stroke. Heidigger was florid and sweating profusely, as he stared with rapt fascination across the table. He wasn't moving, and Tseng was trying to convince himself to administer mouth-to-mouth CPR (the fatso wasn't breathing, either), when it dawned on him that he wasn't staring /blankly/; he was staring with something akin to howling animal lust.

Tseng looked across the table and met Hojo's equally horrified stare. //Ohpleasedon'tletthisbe--// occurred to them at the exact same time. Tseng almost fearfully looked at Palmer and discovered that Palmer had the exact same expression as Heidigger did.

Tseng uttered a high-pitched girly scream and threw himself backwards so hard that his chair tipped backward, banged his head on the floor, and passed out.

* * * * * *

"Wonder what that was all about?" Heidigger's sexy soprano broke into Palmer's haze.

Palmer flushed prettily and shuffled his papers into his briefcase, and snapped it shut. Now that everyone was gone, there was nothing dividing them except the table and the clothes between. He shrugged, wishing he had worn larger pants that day. His imprisoned pole of man-meat cock yearned for freedom.

With the classic speed of a charging hippo, Heidigger was suddenly around the table and squished against his back, hands roaming in front and unbuttoning buttons and unzipping flies. Palmer squealed and pressed his rotund bottom back against his amorous lover's turgid man-meat.

With heavy and panted breaths escaping from the hot wells of his heaving bosom, Heidigger breathed into the waiting cavern of Palmer's ear, "Let's go to the bathroom, studmuffin, I've got to drop a load." Palmer's knees went weak and watery and he followed, with his pants around his ankles and his man-meat bobbing and dripping in anticipation as Heidigger dragged him out and towards the john.

* * * * * *

Palmer slammed Heidigger up against the tiles of the wall as they groped each other with abandon. Palmer panted with excitement. Heidigger was so talented! It felt as if his lover had eight ambidextrous tentacles, probing and prodding and caressing every orifice. With a flex of his powerful muscles, he ripped the flimsy material off Heidigger's bosom, exposing a large delicately-colored expanse of swelling flesh against his dark hands. Palmer leaned down to sear a blazing trail of hot kisses across the exposed boobies, nibbling with abandon on each perfect chocolate truffle-colored nipple. He moaned at the sweet taste of sweaty man meat filling his mouth. His rock-hard dick got impossibly harder.

Heidigger screamed piercingly and wrenched his torso up into Palmer's waiting cavernous mouth. He writhed as a sinuous searing hot slimy tongue slathered his way across his chest, lapping up the pearly beads of sweaty passion that gathered on his heaving bosom, clutching Palmer's bobbing head and mashing it against his chest in wild abandon.

He pushed Palmer away with tender violence against the opposing stall and fell to his knees and captured Palmer's miniature rocket in his eager salivating mouth. He shlurped up and down the man-pole of his dreams and sucked as hard as a vacuum. He sucked the wood as he'd never sucked before. He covered the meat with a layer of gray slime as he deep-throated it as far as it would go. He swallowed to void the gag reflex but it didn't work. He began to gag and promptly upchucked into the toilet as he shoved his lover aside.

Hopping on one foot to catch his balance, Palmer grasped an adjoining urinal. He leaned against the cool porcelain, a cool and welcome contrast to his burning hot skin. He looked over his shoulder with a sultry glance and murmured, "Come here, you love machine animal, you..."

Heidigger was instantly on his feet, wiping his mouth with one hand, and promptly captured his lover's quivering swollen lips. They both moaned as Palmer tasted himself in Heidigger's mouth. They engaged in an enthusiastic spit-swapping spree of flurried tongue action.

Palmer leaned against the urinal and spread his butt-cheeks wide, saying hoarsely, "Take me, lover boy..." He longed to have the hot dog of his dreams impaling him over and over like a jack-hammer, the thick sausage making him beg and scream for more, more, more! When Heidigger didn't immediately take action, he screamed, "Take me now, you tease!!"

Heidigger complied, thrusting like a torpedo into its missile bay, like a snake into the jungle, like a mouse into its hole, with fireworks exploding in his head as they both gasped with liquid pleasure.

"Oh, baby!" Heidigger screamed, "Who's your daddy?!" as he plunged in and out with wet squelches.

"You are!!" Palmer squealed with each pounding thrust. Heidigger's belly slapped against his backside, his own belly thrusting into the urinal in front of him causing the high-tech gadget to flush over and over and over again in time to the beats of Heidigger's man-meat plunging in and out of his eager Sacred Jade Temple of the Golden Peaches.

Heidigger reached around the ample hock of his squealing receptacle of love and grasped the straining, throbbing, bobbing, red-hot leaking pole of desire. With an adept twist of his hips, he scored a raging bulls-eye and hit the Hidden Shrine of Unending Joy within Palmer's Sacred Jade Temple of the Golden Peaches.

Palmer arched his back in complete ecstasy, his mouth gaping wide, his eyes scrunched tightly shut, and his breath coming in short, gasping pants.

"Ooh, baby! Oh! Oh! More! More!" he screamed, each uttering louder than the last.

"Aw, yeah! Who's my bitch?! Who's mah bitch?!"

"I am! I am! Oh! Baby!" Palmer shrieked in rapturous pleasure feeling his loins clenching in anticipation of the mind-blowing explosion.

Heidigger upped the tempo and hammered into the convulsing and not-so-tight pucker nestled between Palmer's ample buttocks. With a high-pitched scream, they both came together. Palmer's cheeks clenched and milked Heidigger of all his gushing man-juice as little Palmers squirted up towards the ceiling and squirted into the waiting urinal in front of him.

Collapsing onto the floor, Palmer felt his substantial lover follow him down and curl against his back like a over-stuffed moogle. Heidigger rested on top of the cushy form of his little bundle of love and caught his breath.

Sensing that the activity had finally died down, the urinal chirped cheerfully, "Thank you for your kind service. Your salt content is unusually high, and should be reported to your personal medical physician as soon as possible. Arigatou gozaimasu! Have a good day!"

Unnoticed by both resting lovers, faint whimpers came from one of the enclosed stalls.

(Ever wonder why Cloud has mental problems?)

Authors' Notes: higher-tech toilets in Japan apparently talk to you and analyze your body fluids. What will they think of next?


End file.
